Tuesday, 10 December 2013

The Truth Behind Her Hijab-Felixia

ini adalah perkongsian istimewa yang saya nak anda baca. 
Tapi tidak digalakkan mengunjungi blog beliau.
Yang saya kongsi ni dah ditapis gmbar2 before afternya.huhu
Mari doakan dia k 

Yes, I was a Playboy Bunny (and sometimes, every now and then, still get imported out of the country for appearances at Playboy official events and happenings all over the world)...

I posed for Playboy Philippines magazine before (but not naked), which made me the THIRD Malaysian woman ever to be posing for Playboy magazine after beauty queen Jacinta Lee in 1986, and top model Amber Chia in 2006...

....and besides Playboy...I model for car shows in racy race queen outfits...

....appeared front cover and featured in FHMs both local and foreign...

...done shoots in lingerie, bikinis and attires that are not exactly meant to protect my modesty...

...and I think I probably am considered or publicly categorized as one of the "hot and sexy" models in Malaysia...

...but really, all these achievements got me thinking of a woman's worth.

I believe I am more worthy than showing off my body.

I am MORE than this.

And I don't feel proud if any of those attention or fame seeking model wannabes out there look at me as idol or role model.

I don't want you to be blaming me when your career is pretty much done and you feel empty, used, lost and hollow after all those exposures and exploitations.

Honestly speaking...I am doing quite well in managing my modelling career besides having a portfolio that includes international exposures and recognitions...

....but I am slowing down, slowly.

I yearn for more to life than this.

I KNOW there is more to life than this.

And honestly, I had never asked for fame, dramas, marrying some rich guy and brag about wealth and all...


I was really just passionate about posing in front of camera and strutting down the runway.

Yeah...I do admit I like bags, cars and jewelries...but I don't ask for much, and I am never a collector or trend chasing kinda girl...I am happy enough to own one Chanel classic bag that I used years to save up for (which is a vintage, by the way, not brand new)...and that's all...I am sated...any extra Chanel bags would be an extra blessing...

I am happy enough to able to own a car on my own... (which is slowly breaking down, and I am the third hand owner of)...

I am even happy enough to be able to stay in a studio unit of less than 500sqft which I am moving in, soon...

And due to my career as a model...I got used and played by men who only look for fun instead of a wife for marriage...I crumbled times, after times...I picked up myself just to crumble all over again...


Because I was never the one looking for fun when I fall in love, or when I allow myself to fall in love...despite of my image and how I look and how people assume me as.

Because of the way I was always portrayed for work purposes, people assume that I am a party person who drinks, smokes and do casual sex.

Which I strictly DON'T.

I have always been someone who believes in happily-ever-after and that one true love who would be my hero 'til-death-do-us-part-and-beyond, protector, guidance, a great father of my future child, a husband to a beautiful, loving marriage and most importantly, love me enough to take me away from all these nightmares that are repeating themselves...

I was naive...and unfortunately I still am.

And then, I started to look for something deeper...a religion, a God, a better way of living life.

I wanted to cover myself up respected and known for who I am inside...not for how much flesh I am showing outside...

I fell in love with traditional Malay baju kurungs due to the fact that they are really comfortable to wear...and the first time I put on a hijab was when I went for local telco company TVC casting...

...and I looked at myself, and I feel liberated...I feel so happy and protected...I feel safe...

...and it almost made me cry when I looked into the mirror with that very blue little hijab.

I feel special, and deserving.

And then during Hari Raya this year, I was modeling for a Muslimah boutique fashion show...and I was so happy to be able to cover up myself and put on the hijab again...

Then secretly I realized...that I actually longed for it.

As much as I am proud of my modeling portfolio and achievements both local and international...I am also proud that I am insaf, peaceful and more toned down now.

That I am heading towards a better way of living life.

Like every human beings, I like beautiful things in life. 
If a religion could show me the beauty of life and living, why not try to understand it? Why detest it just because a few confused racists and extremists try to twist things around? 
Are they in the religion to begin with?

Are they rightful enough or greater themselves to judge another human being?

Well...unless they are Gods. 
Which...based on how they curse, insult and behave...I wouldn't think so. 
They are the ones who make this religion that I am trying to learn and understand look more beautiful and peaceful.
And...I feel sorry and fear for what their religions have taught them.

Yet, I am also really happy to be able to inspire people, make them analyse themselves and remind them of their least, in the path of trying to learn something good and be a better person, I actually did something good to the society too. 

On the side note, recently I started practising a pescetarian diet and way of eating too...because I want to stop eating meat of other living beings...although I still keep a minimal intake of fish and seafood in my diet.

I guess I feel much better, and more of myself now.

Long gone are those days when I was bleached blonde, always sexy and wild looking, and trying to blend in with the rest of the modeling crowd. That was never really who I am.

That's me running around feeling lost and looking for the wrong people to be with.

Now, if people think I am weird to be a non-Muslim model covering herself up, so be it.

Because in the end of the day, I would be the one answering to the consequences of my life, and not any of those people who can't accept me.

And in the end of the day, I would be the one answering to my God, whichever religion I choose to commit to, by then.

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